It’s not easy being right all of the time. Colleges can be a cesspool of misinformation and ignorance. To combat this plague, you need to constantly share your opinions and worldview with your college class – and that means you absolutely must attend every lecture.
When you’re the brightest, it, unfortunately, falls on you to set an example and attend every lecture. If you miss just one class, you’re depriving your peers and professors. They may even regress to their natural sheeple-like state without your shining influence. You wouldn’t want that to happen, would you?
Follow these ten tips to ensure your professors and classmates are getting the most of your presence every class.
1) Tell your favorite anecdotes – again and again.
College classrooms have the tendency to suck the life out of learning. Consider it your personal duty to enliven the atmosphere. You have led a fulfilling life and have many stories to impart to your fellow peers who – bless them – lack life experience. It doesn’t matter if you’re the youngest one in the class; you’re the most worldly one there. Anytime the professor mentions something you can vaguely connect to your personal life, pounce on the opportunity – even if you’ve told the story before. Feel free to devote several minutes to telling your story; ignore the increasingly awkward atmosphere.
2) Always interrupt whoever’s talking.
Sometimes your classmates will try to usurp your authority. You must not let this happen. Show them who’s boss by cutting them off mid-sentence. You can even stop them before they start. When your professor asks the class a question, jump in without raising your hand (your professor never seems to notice your hand anyway).
3) If the professor has banned you from speaking, rely on other methods to get your opinion heard.
If your commie professor decides that every voice must be heard, you can rebel in subtle ways. When another student talks, shake your head and mumble to yourself. If they say something you find to be ridiculous, start giggling. You can also grimace, roll your eyes, or shift uncomfortably in your chair. If your professor catches on to your clever tactics and tells you to stop, you should decide this class isn’t worth your time. Play with your cell phone or take a nap.
4) When you leave during the lecture, make sure you walk right in front of the professor; do it again when you come back.
Professors love this! You should consider it your duty to let your classmates and professors know you’re leaving. While you’re gone, the discussion will come to a halt and ignorance will spread like wildfire. By leaving in such a visible way, the professor can plan for the ensuing chaos and perhaps even suspend class discussion until you return.
5) Enhance tip number four by coming in late every day.
If you arrive on time, people may not even notice you’re in class. Arrive five minutes late and everyone will see you come in. Those sighs you hear are just sighs of relief. They may pretend to hate you, but you know they love it when you talk.
6) Comment on the reading without knowing what you’re talking about. If you get stuck, see tip number one.
While lesser mortals may have to do the readings, you’re practically a god in your field. Readings will only inhibit your natural curiosity and understanding of the world. You need to share your pure interpretation. To gain some credibility, mumble something about the text and then share your own opinions in your usual confident, boisterous manner.
7) On test day, grab a big bag of potato chips to munch on.
On test day, the class suffers. They won’t get to hear any of your opinions. Let them know you’re still in the room by crunching loudly on some food. They’ll be comforted by your presence.
8) Attack the author of your textbook.
Professors love it when students realize that the writers of textbooks are human and have their own biases and opinions. Take this one step further by making personal attacks against the authors. Depending upon your political persuasion, you should accuse them of either being a godless commie or a Jesus-freak fascist. Don’t forget to throw around words such as “naive,” “incompetent,” and “sheeple.”
9) Always correct your professors on everything.
Professors were once innocent graduate students. It’s not their fault they were brainwashed by the system. Gently correct them on everything, even on the three branches in the U.S. government (the fourth branch is the shadow government. That’s where they keep the aliens and plot terrorist attacks). They may get annoyed, but it’s your duty to stamp out misinformation.
10) Answer your cell phone.
From time to time, you need to remind the class that you’re doing them a favor and could be devoting time to worthier pursuits. Sometimes other students might get cheeky with you (jealousy is an ugly emotion). So, the next time your cell phone rings, answer it. Don’t push it; professors have been known to go fully insane just when a cell phone rings (they were probably the victims of some twisted Pavlovian experiment at grad school). Keep it pithy: “Hey dude, I’m in class right now,” laugh, “yeah that class. I’ll catch up with you later.” Hang up and pretend nothing just happened.
By following these ten tips, you may save your professors and fellow students from the vortex of ignorance and blind obedience that is the U.S. educational system. But you must, must, must attend every lecture. Miss one lecture, and all your work may be undone. It’s a tough and thankless job, but who else is going to do it? The professor? Pshaw!